I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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