A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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