OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
