I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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