I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
