You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
