Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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