Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize