Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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