did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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