almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
