What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
