Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
