Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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