I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
zippers are such a cool invention
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
