my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
