Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
