We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
