I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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