You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
