I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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