Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize