Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
