i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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