OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
PANTIES FOUND
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
