So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
