I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
