In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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