I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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