I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
