I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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