i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
