his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
