If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
