he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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