Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
