Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize