am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
