No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
