I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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