My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
