We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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