I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Found the puke drawer
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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