Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
