This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
