just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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