dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
