I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
