this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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