Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
