Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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