Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I've blown a few things in my day
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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