sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
