My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am midnight drunk by noon
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
