legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
