they need to just BURY HIM!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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