Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
