if you like me you must not know who I am
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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