Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
