I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
