Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
