I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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