i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
