low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize